Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
Randomize
