Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
Randomize
