she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Help me help you realize you are a moron
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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