I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
