when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
