The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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