I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
