i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I JUST SENT A TOILET SELFIE TO THE WRONG PERSON.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
