I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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