"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
