Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.
So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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