New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter
your less of a man for seeing that
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
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