so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
