oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
