she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
Randomize
