Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
Randomize
