Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I faked an abortion last night.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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