What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Don't byou dare ruin egg salad by putting your penis in it that would be so sad.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
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