I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I can't watch pbs sober anymore
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
