Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I have surprise drugs for everyone
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
is leaving the club to fk in his friends van subtle?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Randomize
