Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
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