All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
