the condom got lost in my hair
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
