Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
