im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
