between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
