Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize