Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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