I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
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