I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
