I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Tornado booty call.. dedication
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
