Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
