when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
