Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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