At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
