The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
