Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
She slept with 4 other guys since we went on a break. And her ex. But apparently she hasn't given any bjs out of respect for me. Why does that comfort me?!
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
Randomize
