I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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