Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
I was able to hide the fact that I had just shit in my pants, and then wupped her ass at FIFA
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
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