I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
