I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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