You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
