My sheets look like a crime scene.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
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