Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize