Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
