who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
we just smoked for like ten hours and got froyo. not a bad start to the weekend.
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
