Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
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