The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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