I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
