I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
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