I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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