Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
