I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
