His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
