JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
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