Only in Montana can you find Septic Services that would display "Christian owned and operated" on the side of the truck. I'm oddly going to miss this state.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
