Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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