did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
