Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize