Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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