dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
