Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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