...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize