It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
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