Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
