is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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