Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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