After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
