If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Randomize
